Jerry, you need to find god
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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