went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
