Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I stole a fireplace last night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
