just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
