i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
