Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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