i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
