I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
