Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize