summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
