If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
