Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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