I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
