How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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