i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
