so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
