I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
