I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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