R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
