I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i came on her dog
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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