You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
