My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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