wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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