Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
there is glitter all over my balls
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