Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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