He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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