Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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