Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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