i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
