Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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