I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
