I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
