I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
