We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
