I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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