he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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