and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I touched a dick in church today
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
