Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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