It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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