I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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