Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
