I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
