i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
