that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
