I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
