i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize