I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
