anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
