i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
