once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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