If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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