That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
