The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize