We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
