giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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