You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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