Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize