you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
