Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
