Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
