I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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